Dr Erika’s Eruditions #3 – Goal Setting Gone Wild

What do you think: Should you set goals? Or not?

Goal setting is generally assumed to be a good thing. However, it can also cause problems.
It can:
– Reduce learning
– Reduce co-operation. Increase competition.
– Make people feel not effective; and therefore less engaged.
– Reduce doing something for the sake of doing it. Reduce intrinsic goals. Increase extrinsic goals.

It turns out that mostly people need less extrinsic motivation than we think.

You might want to have:
– Learning goals, rather then performance goals

In companies, additionally, goals can cause these problems:
– Increase unethical behavior.
– Increase risk taking too much.
– “By setting goals, managers may create a hedonic treadmill in which employees are
motivated by external means (goals, rewards, etc.) and not by the intrinsic value of the job itself.”
(Deci, 1971, 1975; emphasis mine).

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/280687748_Goals_Gone_Wild_The_Systematic_Side_Effects_of_Overprescribing_Goal_Setting

What does this blog give you?

Hi!
I’m Dr Erika. I am a medical doctor who specializes in you, the midlife man!
And you, the man’s partner!

Welcome to my blog for: Midlife Men – And Those Who Love them

The purpose of this blog:
– Best Sex Ever for midlife men, and their partners
– No more midlife men suffering in silence
– Enriching your life in varied and surprising ways

How can you, the man in midlife, have Best Sex Ever for yourself and your partner?
Which sexual problems do you want solved?
What do you need to have Your Best Life Ever?

For the women:
How can you create Your Best Sex Ever and your best relationship with your midlife man?

This is what my readers and patients say on a regular basis:
‘I am back on top of my game!’
‘My life went from black and white to color!’
‘You gave me my life back!’
‘You turned the clock back 20 years!’
‘My partner and I are having the best sex of our lives, at this time in our lives. We never guessed that this was possible!’
‘You know, you changed my life!’
If you want these successes for yourself, then you are in the right place!

For Your Best Sex Ever, we will tackle these problems:
– Erectile dysfunction in its varied manifestations, ED
– Lack of libido or sexual desire
– Sexual performance anxiety
– Difficulty in reaching orgasm
– Coming before you want to, or premature ejaculation
– Andropause: middle age decline in many ways
– Prostate problems: bladder and urination issues
– Not getting enough sex

Do you experience these problems?
– Male depression and anxiety, ‘manxiety’
– Lack of confidence
– Lack of drive or goal orientation
– Lack of motivation to work out
– Poor results from work outs
– Tired of being single and alone
– Jealousy
– Worrying / thinking about affairs
– Worry about physical changes due to aging
– Lack of energy
– Too much stress

For these problems, I will give you solutions that are:
– Scientifically proven
– Proven to work in real life
– Proven to work for the men in my medical practice
– Practical
– Affordable
– Safe

You will learn:
– How to use Cialis and Viagra correctly
– How to use Daily Cialis
– About the amazing safety of Cialis and Viagra
– How to deal with the side effects of Cialis and Viagra
– About the many health benefits of Cialis and Viagra
– How to enjoy and manage porn
– How to exercise for better sex
– How to give women what they need and want
– The truth about testosterone

You will receive tools for Your Best Life Ever:
– Fulfillment in your life, your dreams, your goals, and your bucket list
– More positive moods: How to feel good in your skin
– How to have more success and more fun with women
– Better physical shape and stamina
– More effective work outs
– Keeping your weight optimal, without misery
– Information about hormones: such as thyroid, the bonding hormone oxytocin, and others

You will read about topics that keep your brain alive and engaged:
– How to have more fun and excitement in your life
– How to enrich your world and your intellect
– How your environment affects your physiological well being
– Cool topics in science, architecture, art, engineering, food, fun, and adventure
– Topics to improve your life and your outlook
– A stimulated brain makes a happy man, and that is sexy!

What you will not get in this blog:
– No woo woo stuff
– No guilt tripping about being imperfect
– No stuff that sounds good but does not work
– No stuff that makes money for someone else but does not work
– No boring stuff
– No stuff that is not proven by hard science
– No wasting your time

Nuts and bolts:
This blog will be posted at random times.

About Erika Thost MD:
She has had decades of experience as a medical doctor and a teacher of sexuality. Her medical practice is dedicated to enhancing mid-life health and sexuality for men. And their partners.
She is a leading expert in optimal sexual function and dynamic vitality for middle aged men.
She graduated from Dartmouth Medical School. Her private practice is in Santa Barbara, CA. Her patients are all over.

The Problems with Writing about Men and Sex

What feelings do you have when you read the phrase ‘Men and Sex’?

What about the phrase ‘Old Men and Sex’?

Most of us have plenty of feelings and opinions – and judgments! Many of them are negative.

With such a loaded subject: How does it feel to me to write about men and their sexuality?

I chose to do that. Rather it chose me. Some things in life we don’t see coming. Then, suddenly, we realize that we have a mission and a purpose. And we cannot not speak out. What is like that in your life?

What got me to this mission: I believe that mid-life men are an underserved community when it comes to useful and serious information for giving them – and their partners – best sex ever. It may sound crazy to even go for that goal. Everyone knows that you only have great sex when you are young and beautiful and do not have back pain, not when you are older.

And also, it is amazing how many senior citizens are having the best sex of their lives, even though sex may have been good before. But now it is even better!

Many mid-life women tell me that they are more sexually desirous than they expected to be at this age. And they wish for men who can meet them in the erotic world.

You probably already know: There’s more how-to info about that topic in my Daily Cialis book.

Two main points about writing about men and sex:

My writing is unusual because it takes that topic seriously. And also because the purpose is not to sell another crazy trendy miracle supplement. My writing also is not sensationalist. It is meant to speak directly to the men and women’s brains and hearts to make their lives truly better. And these things do not make headlines nor sound bites.

And also, I find notice that my guard is up about this topic. It is so very easy to diss this topic and all who broach it. These reactions happen all the time. It is so tempting for many people to automatically become completely self-righteous and negative.

The default reaction among the mainstream media is to make jokes and and to denigrate men’s sexuality. These kind of reactions would not be tolerated against any other group in our society right now.

The dirty old man stereotype sadly is alive and well. Who says older men should not have the sex that makes them happy? And why do I feel the need to follow that sentence with ‘as long as it does’t hurt anyone else’? Why is there a common assumption that older men’s sex is not a good thing for others? There is some strong negative stereotyping going on here. Would we use those two phrases consecutively when talking about women?

The book ‘Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say’ by Warren Farrell covers this topic beautifully and thoroughly. There is so much that cannot be said out loud these days because it is not politically correct.

In summary: I feel vulnerable when putting out my information for middle-aged men. However, my mission of creating better connections and better physical and mental health via improved male sexuality is so important. So I’ll keep on truckin’!

Why Can Midlife Men Have Best Sex Ever? And Their Partners Too!

The standard conventional way to look at middle age and sex is to assume that sex gets worse over time:

  • There will be less sex.
  • There will be less juiciness and sexy thoughts.
  • There will be more bodily aches and pains that will interfere.
  • The men will have less sexual desire. They will lose their drive to have sex.
  • The men will have decreased or no erections.
  • Their partners won’t be interested any more.
  • The bodies are not attractive enough any more.
  • It’s too embarrassing: older people are not supposed to be sexual.
  • Everyone is too crotchety and irritable to have fun.

These statements are myths! They are all things that can be fixed or worked around. Middle aged men and their partners can definitely have best sex ever because:

Let’s talk about:

– What makes it the best sex ever?

– What can you do to optimize your chances for your sex life to the best it can be?

– What are the possible pitfalls? They are discussed in the chapter on that topic.

 

Middle aged life in general is ‘best ever’ for many men – and women –  because:

– They are in the fullness of their rich life experience.

– They have gained perspective on what’s truly important. And what is not.

– They have learned a lot about themselves, and they use that information.

– They have figured out how to manage themselves to be happier in their own skin.

– They have learned a lot about nurturing relationships.

– They know how to listen to women, and how to talk to women.

– They have realized that they will die.  And therefore they are willing to make more effort and take more risks to live life to the fullest.

– They have ‘arrived’: In life, in their work, in their accomplishments.

– They are quietly confident in themselves.

– They have more time because the kids are grown up, and work is less consuming.

– They have more physical space and privacy because the kids have left home.

 

Midlife sex is best ever for many men – and women – because:

– They translate this life learning from the list above into their relationship life and their sex life.

– They have a lot more sexual experience now than they had as a young person.

– They have done and are constantly doing more sexual learning.

– They have the time, energy, money, and curiosity to keep learning about sex and about relationships.

– They have learned and are constantly learning sexual tools and skills.

– They are more uninhibited.

– They are ready to break loose and explore more aspects of sexuality.

– They have the maturity to slow down.

– They are less constrained and are willing to venture into areas of sexuality that are more adventurous.

– They realize the finite-ness of life. And so they push themselves to look at their dreams and fantasies with more focus, and they also do that for their partners.

– They become more free spirited in many ways.

 

To optimize your sex life in midlife:

– Seriously consider Daily Cialis.

– Consider testosterone for yourself.

– Find a medical practice such as my medical practice: Someone who really knows this material who will have your back for optimal mid-life health and sexuality. Then make appointments often enough to continually optimize. My medical practice is available to men all over the USA.

– Create peak sexual function for yourself. Observe yourself: What improves your sexual function? What diminishes it?

 

To optimize your physical well-being for better sex:

– Stay in good physical shape. Find ways to move your body that you don’t hate.

– Eat lightly to keep your weight down. However do not waste too much time and energy obsessing about the perfect diet.

– No alcohol.  Or just minimal amounts on just a couple of nights per week. If you cannot do minimal use of alcohol, just stop it completely. It’s poison for you.

– Not too much use of cannabis either.

 

To optimize your dreams-and-schemes aspect of sex:

– Be willing to spend the hours of time and the emotional energy to identify your fantasies and dreams.

– Take steps toward making them happen.

– Do the same thing for your partner’s fantasies and dreams.

– Educate, educate, educate! Continually educate yourself about all aspects of sex: buy and read books, hire people, take courses, go to workshops.

– Try new stuff, and observe the results. In yourself and your partner.

– Focus on fun!

The Difference between Cialis and Viagra

When would you choose one over the other?

What is the difference in their effects?

How are the two pills different?

Viagra  

• The generic is called sildenafil.

• It kicks in faster, in about 30 to 60 minutes.  

• It is shorter-acting: It lasts for about 2 to 4 hours.

• You can take it up to 4 hours before sex.

• It has to be taken on an empty stomach. If you take it with food in your stomach, it will not do much.

• It is way more effective with little or no alcohol on board.

• It has more side effects in terms of skin flushing, stuffy nose, headache than Cialis.

• Viagra is not used on a daily basis.

• Viagra packs more “oomph” than Cialis: It has a stronger effect for that shorter period of time.

How do you take Viagra for a dinner date?

    • • This is the problem that occurs on many dates: You go out. You have a couple of drinks, then you have a nice big dinner with wine. Then you swallow your Viagra and …. nothing happens.
    • • On dates: I agree with Dan Savage of Savage LoveCast: Have sex first! Then go out to dinner after the sex. Sexual function and sexual energy are so much better with an empty stomach and without the alcohol.

• You can take the Viagra before eating. But a big meal will still make it much less effective. So you would eat very lightly. So, yes, men do go through a lot of trouble to please the ladies!

 

Cialis

    • • The generic is called tadalafil.
    • • It kicks in more slowly: it takes 2 to 3 hours to take effect.
    • • It lasts longer: 1 to 2 days. It is the “weekend drug.”
    • • You can take it with or without food.
    • • It is also more effective with little or no alcohol on board.
    • • It has much fewer side effects than Viagra.
    • • Some side effects, like skin flushing, are less severe than Viagra.
    • • Some men do notice the side effects of heartburn, flushed face, stuffy nose, and back pain.
    • • Most people are familiar with taking Cialis as needed for sex. For an occasion where there will be sex or might be sex, then you take some Cialis.
    • • It can also be taken via a method called Daily Cialis. You take some Cialis every single day, whether sex is planned that day or not. The dosage often is less than one would take for the per-occasion method, however the dosage can be adjusted upwards if needed.

• Daily Cialis has a surprising multitude of general health benefits that are unrelated to the sexual effect. You can read  about that in my book Daily Cialis: Best Sex Ever for Midlife Men – and Their Partners. https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Cialis-Best-Ever-Midlife-ebook/dp/B07CMGJZ7D/ is the link so you can check it out.

We will talk about these topics  more in later posts.

About Viagra and Cialis: How They Are Similar

       About Viagra and Cialis: How They Are Similar

    • • They have the same mechanism of action: via the dilation of the blood vessels.
    • • They both require a prescription in the USA.
    • • They both cost a lot for the brand name. 
    • • They are about to come out as generics. Some formulations may already be out as generics in USA however the dosages may be low.
    • • They are already generics in some parts of the world.
    • • Both may come out as over-the-counter medications in the future. Some formulations may already be out in USA however the dosages may be low.
    • • They have been on the market for a long time. There have been millions of prescriptions written. So, we have a great deal of information about their amazingly good safety profile.
    • • The doses that are optimal can vary hugely from man to man. 
    • • Both have the same cautions: Do not use with substances like poppers nor with nitrates for chest pain.

Occasions when men may choose to use Cialis or Viagra, 

even if they usually do not take it:

    • • For the first time having sex with a new partner
    • • For sex in a distracting setting
    • • For sex when he feels there is more at stake or when he wants some help to be able to relax about his sexual function

Can you get physically addicted?

    • • You do not get addicted to Cialis or Viagra. If you have used them, you can stop using them anytime without problems. You will not get a rebound effect. Your function will not be worse later because you took these pills.
    • • You do not get habituated to them. That means that, in the future, you will not need more to have the same effect. 
    • • As you get older, and your underlying function decreases, you may choose to use more of them to get the same effect. But that is because your body’s function has decreased, not because you are habituated to the drug or that the drug’s effect has decreased.
    • • Both medications could become a psychological habit if they are taken automatically all the time when there is no ED. So don’t do that!

Can I get an embarrassing uncontrolled erection?

    • • Many men are worried about taking V or C because they fear a constant, uncontrollable erection.
    • • This is not how these medications work; you still need the usual sexual and physical arousal activities to get hard.
    • • It’s just that the stimulation is more effective with the drugs than without them.
    • • If you sit around waiting for an erection to appear out of nowhere, then you will be disappointed.
    • • If you take the meds, and then you get juicy with your partner, you will find your penis responding in a very natural way. 
    • • When the stimulation ends, the erection will subside, as usual.